After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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