Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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