It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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