wakey wakey hands off snakey
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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