You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
