I haven't been this sober since birth.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
