I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
