I am in a vortex of obligation.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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