If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I think people are normalizing furries
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
