Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
