no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
