She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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