I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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