So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
