she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
