He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
That was before I lit my hair on fire
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
