You can't motorboat a personality
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
just found out that she named her cat after me.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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