my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Randomize
