I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
