I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
