i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
