I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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