This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
