just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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