I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
