Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
