i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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