So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Did I show you my penis last night?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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