Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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