I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
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