nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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