ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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