guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Why can't burritos get me drunk
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
