another moral hangover. fuck.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
