As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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