so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
