Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
