I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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