How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
