so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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