I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
