Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
