He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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