dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
