Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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