Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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