Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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