I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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