ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
