The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
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