I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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