my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
